Chronicle 4 – Chronicles of a Broken Soul

G : I told her everything.
AM : who? Your mom ? omg (goodness)!!
G : Couldn’t hold it in any longer so just blurted it out.
AM : Did you tell everything? The gentlemen’s club, the girl, the meetings and tuition fee?
G : Yes. Every minute detail. Every conversation. Every promise the girl made and I made to her. I can die peacefully now that I could at least tell the truth to one of my parents. I feel my “sin” is responsible for his death so… anyways since you are the only one who knows everything, thought like letting you know.
AM : Come’on you just visited that place, fell in love and just got used. You aren’t going around sleeping with women (actually you’ve never slept with a women so WTH dude :P), you don’t smoke nor drink etc. so what sin are you talking about. People out there are doing things which are far worse and are getting away with it. It is just that the devil got to you and played you. At least now, you know that you shouldn’t fall in love and wait for a date from a dancer ever again (let alone for two years). You’ve learnt a life lesson the hard way. You can’t trust everyone. We all love you and you are a good guy so don’t beat yourself up. It’s already been an year, so you have to figure out a way to move on.
G : Thank you. I am trying to move forward. I feel lighter since mom knows the truth. It’s just that I loved her way too much. It hurts for not knowing the truth or for never knowing. I hope when she left she could have told the truth instead of the lies. It hurts to think that I was that foolish and, after all that, she didn’t even trust me with the truth. That forever will haunt me.

Abandoned

I was standing in the rain that was pouring,
From a storm that was of my own doing,
I was hoping to cry my eyes dry,
And to let go of everything with a loud cry,
Figured the rain would camouflage my tears,
And the thunders would drown out my cries,
But my eyes didn't want to get moist,
and the pain in me didn't want to get voiced,
Just when my world and I were separated by a sea,
My own body started abandoning me. 

Meat ?

Did the blood stay red while you were at it?, 
Did the skin break easy or was it too thick?,
I hope the muscles were weak enough to be easily torn,
I hope there was no pain while you were breaking the bone,
Did it live long enough to let you have your fun after ?
I know it wouldn't have given up too easy nor tried to run.
I promise I fed it with love and care to keep it healthy,
So, my lost love, I wish you had , with it, fun,
While, and after, you pulled that heart out of my body.

Be a fool

Love someone who doesn’t care to give it back,
Distance someone in whom love for you doesn’t lack,
Put all of your life on line for a stranger,
Take your broken heart and dare to put it, again, through a grinder,
Trust everyone who smiles at you,
Disregard logic and believe in the picture your heart drew,
If you haven’t felt everything in you ache,
My friend, these are some tried and tested ways you can take.

God’s Promise

One day the wind will blow not against but for you,
The world will go by and give you what is overdue,
The rains will lessen the drought,
The music will give you the peace you sought,
One day the wind will blow for you,
As Time will stop and wait for your cue,
The land you walk on will feel smoother,
You will laugh to the simplest of humor,
One day the wind will blow for you,
In your eventual lover’s arms your broken heart will be sewed.

– Jayaram Guda

Fright

  • The feeling that you have to knock on a door that you used to love living behind before demons pushed you out.
  • The feeling that you have to ride those waves which nearly sunk you while feeding your exhilaration.

Bunky

There was time when I needed no one,
My heart was brave and mind knew how to have fun,
It started with bad decisions, chaos and mayhem,
And then times brought pain with them,
You keep saying you found me at the right time,
Let me say, for you, I’m there anytime,
For what you have done for me is more,
You’ve been a distraction from my heart’s sore,
You never stopped talking when I was drowning,
You got my attention when I was drifting,
People have come and people have gone,
You came in when I was down,
For a talkative, never-stop-shopping roommate,
In my toughest times, you have been more than great,
I know life will take us on different paths,
But for now accept this as my sincerest thanks.

I know I am on a self imposed sabbatical from poetry but this poem is an exception because this is a thank you to a person (my roomate) who has been there for me through my trying times though I was no responsibility of his.

Thank you

I will not try to make this a soapy affair. I am trying things out which will keep me honest with myself about what I want to do. Hence, this post.

My mother has been asking me to stop writing the type of poems I have been writing for a while now. The fact is that poetry has been an outlet. “The girl” was my muse when I met her and my father was always a motivation. He thought I was better than what I thought of myself as a writer. Father’s love I guess. With both of them having left me, the poems have got darker and too centered on one subject. I tried to stop writing couple of months ago but went right back into it. Just for the sake of my family (especially my mother) and friends from work, I think I will stop. I guess they deserve better.

Love is strange. I chose to spend all the love that my mother showered on me on two women in my life who least cared for it (at different stages) . My mother was always right even though I always hate to admit that fact. She told me to be careful. She knew me more than I knew myself. She knew how attached I get to things. Now I am scared of going in that path again. I will let love find me if it ever wants to. I know I suck at finding it. I keep choosing the wrong people, wrong places and wrong times to ask for it instead of caring for the ones who do love me.

I was born into a joint family. Grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins were all part of my life and then, all of sudden, nothing. We (parents, brother and me) were running away from the people I loved. Irrespective of what were the reasons, the relationships got a bit complicated/strained. During that time, it all seemed illogical to me. So I started hoping to find love else where I think. I may be wrong in this assessment of myself. But some 10 years from then, the irony is, I had to delete my email Id and deactivate my phone number so that a woman, I loved the most, didn’t come back to take more out of me even though I knew her work with me was done. I was running away from people without my volition till then but when I deleted those accounts it was the first time I did the running on my own. I guess I felt lonely. I was thinking about the people who left me instead of the ones I had.

The other day a pastor looked directly at me (it felt like he did) in a congregation and asked “Where are you going in life?”. Sometimes when a relative stranger asks you a question, that too as deep as the one he just asked, then you think about it, no matter how many times your family and friends asked the same question previously. Here I was, a Hindu by religion, sitting in a church, half listening to what the pastor was preaching while being in denial of half of the that. All of this while I was debating in my mind about a plan I had just made 2 hours before about something else. I didn’t have an answer. I still don’t know where my life’s headed. Indecision has plagued me in the last year. To think I was sorted out 2 years ago is an understatement.

Reaching out for something has never worked out for me. In life or in my job. Things were given to me after I had given up on them. The two times I reached out for love have actually emptied me in all ways. I’ve gotten to learn that world doesn’t do sad anymore. “You are boring if you are serious”. “You are a loser if you don’t know your sh*t.” Well, even I don’t like serious movies, or people, so I don’t blame anyone for wanting a fun person. I just don’t like forcing it anymore. So instead of putting time into brooding, sulking and whining, I think I will take some time off and put time into filling my cup of joy by remembering what made me tick even though I was alone (don’t confuse alone with lonely). Or I will keep trying and look out for new things that make me happy.

So, for now, I thank you guys for the likes, comments and to those who have reached out to me. All those kind gestures are appreciated by me. Those were the dopamine inducers when I was at the lowest in my life. Thank you all. If, and when, I do find my inner peace and happiness, you will get to meet the Jayaram (me) that I loved instead of this version. Till then, I hope all of you have a wonderful time.

In a Tourniquet

Sometimes you live for others,
While they are busy living for themselves,
Your love for them, to you, seems more than adequate,
When all they do to you is underrate,
Don’t repeat the mistakes that I’ve made,
And, instead, heed to the words that elders have said,
Not everyone you love will stay,
To everything wished, life will not obey,
Plan for the worst and give your best,
Your heart might get broken in a moment but learn to move on to your next.


		

Mirage

There was this guy walking on the beach barefoot,
On sand ever so velvety under every step he put,
Every time he would turn his gaze to the ocean, he would step on a shell,
He showed no emotion, picked and threw them aside and back into ocean they fell,
His wandering eyes then caught a silhouette,
Of a girl so beautiful like none he had met,
His feet followed her not minding where and what they stepped on,
He didn’t realize the ocean, family and friends behind him had long gone,
Without a warning the women in peignoir disappeared,
It was as if she had vanished off of this sphere,
He then felt, for the first time, pain in his feet,
They looked mauled and painfully dead beat,
He looked around and saw lands filled with thorns for miles,
“How did I get here?”, he thought, “Is this how love beguiles?”

Semblance

He stood there alone in the rain,
Wishing it washes away his tears and his pain,
While asking for the world he needs,
Instead of the world the God, to him, feeds,
His inner self heavier than his wet clothes felt,
His patience hanging by the straw as his resistance begins to melt,
Then a light shone on his closed eyelids,
The rainbow gave way to something that it until then forbid,
In the dark clouds he saw that strange semblance,
That smile, that eyes and in them peace in full attendance,
“Dad?” slipped out from the edges of his mouth,
“Yes” he heard from behind the curtains of the cloud,
He then felt the rain wash away the dead weight off of him,
His heart felt lighter and a smile was no longer a whim.

Dubiety

“There is lot to this life” said one,
“I am happy with everything in my marriage said no one”,
“The patch looks greener from other side”, said another,
“But trust me it is not something about which you should bother”,
I said, “I know I have people who care for me here”,
“I’ve got someone or another to endear”,
I understand what you are trying to say,
But there are couple of questions if I may,
How does a broken heart heal?,
And how does the first kiss of love feel?


Transmute

He looked at himself in the mirror,
He hoped that it would make everything more clearer,
Where was the beauty that his parents talked about?,
Where was the intelligence that his brother pointed at throughout?,
All he could see in the mirror was this vermin,
“Who am I?” was what his mind was questioning,
Yes he was swatted away by few to oblivion,
But to few others he was nothing but ethereal,
Confused was he about the state of his being,
How does he learn to live with this change unforeseen?

Image Courtesy:
https://bloodborne.wiki.fextralife.com/Vermin+Host

Book Review: The Metamorphosis

The Metamorphosis (German: Die Verwandlung) is a novella written by Franz Kafka which was first published in 1915. One of Kafka’s best-known works, The Metamorphosis tells the story of salesman Gregor Samsa who wakes one morning to find himself inexplicably transformed into a huge insect and subsequently struggling to adjust to this new condition. The novella has been widely discussed among literary critics, with differing interpretations being offered. .Wikipedia

This book is definitely one of its kind. Hundred odd pages long and it can be read through in a day but it definitely will leave you thinking about it well after reading through it. I read the translated version of the original in English and am just hoping that it retained the depth of the original. Nevertheless, the translated version in itself packed the punch.

I heard about this book through a book club and the premise of the book piqued my interest. The book for me was dark and bit depressing with a touch of redemption at the end. Everyone who reads it can place him/her self in the shoes of the protagonist symbolically depending on the life altering incidents that they have gone through in their life. The story also brings to light the trials and tribulations of an alienated and isolated being in a society that is fast to judge and punish.

Overall, if you are down with reading a story which is dark enough to make you sleepless and good enough to leave you asking for more then this definitely is the book

P.S: I didn’t want to put myself in a position to critique Franz Kafka and his work after having read about his contributions to the world of literature. So, I hoped this would just be an introduction to his work that a review.

Intelligent Fools

The fool stood at the top grinning with ignorance,
The air around him full of belief and utter confidence,
The elite elected him with the cast of their vote,
The down trodden choose him as if it was rammed down their throat,
The middle class hailed him as a savior from their strife,
But now they are all standing at an edge of a knife,
The stunned silence of their’s shut the fool’s mouth close,
In the silence they realized the enigma they chose,
He had only repeated what a few said and many hoped to hear,
To give them the confidence and allay any fear,
The sheep that followed him had sang his praises,
Of foolishness and treachery there weren’t any traces,
Now the bodies, he stood on, lay there as a testament,
That he was a pied piper and an incurable pestilence to their own regiment.

Image Courtesy:
http://nddaily.blogspot.com/2017/06/new-deal-art-pied-piper.html

Silent Noise

Here I go again making some noise,
Noise that I know you can’t hear,
Not even if the rocks could have their own voice,
Not even if the end of days was near,
May be one day oceans will spit out gold,
May be one day forests will not be hacked through to be sold,
May be the Sun will decide to turn around,
Instead of pining west it might decide to travel east bound,
One day the moon might grow its own conscience,
And decide to be self sufficcient and have its own radiance,
One day may be I will find someone else to love to my core,
May be, just may be, they will love me more,
Truth is that all I ever wanted to see in your eyes was love for me,
The kind that I saw in your eyes for him in your post that the world could see.

Book review – Bad Blood: Secrets and Lies in a Silicon Valley Startup

Bad Blood: Secrets and Lies in a Silicon Valley Startup is a nonfiction book by journalist John Carreyrou, released May 21, 2018. It covers the rise and fall of the firm Theranos, the multibillion-dollar biotech startup headed by Elizabeth Holmes.

I haven’t read many books that have been non-fictional. The last two non-fictions that I have read have been captivating to say the least. The first was “Born a Crime” by Trevor Noah and then this book. It is funny that even though it is not fictional it seems straight out of a movie.

There are two ways I can go with this review and that is by either reviewing the person and her deeds that the book is about or just stick with the review of the book. Since I am definitely not morally anywhere near judging someone, I am not going to talk about her or her story of riches and then rags. About the book I will say that, for a not-so-voracious reader, it had me interested all through out.

There are a lot of real life characters mentioned in this book and, hence, a lot of names you need to keep track of. I, for instance, had to pause to remember a person’s history in the book. The author did make a conscious effort to cover as many bases as possible to make it easy for readers to follow.

The story is very well told. Yet times it feels like you are reading a news article about someone or a company and I mean that in a good way. It also underlines the effort that the author put into research and interview the real people to chronicle the story of rise and downfall of Theranos.

It definitely is a must read if you are a corporate employee in a startup or anywhere else, for that matter.

Ocean and Forest

Here I am standing at the edge of a cliff,
Eyes wandering, my brow sweating and body all stiff,
I am facing the ocean all blue and majestic,
With a shore made of rocks and bushes wild and rustic,
As I catch whiff of the cool air from the ocean water,
The fire from the burning forest hits my back a bit hotter,
Happy was I living in that forest with that tribe,
When my fortune decided to leave me and turn the tide,
Oh! the singeing of my wings hurts a bit,
I doubt I can fly like I did when I was fit,
Time is running out as the fire grows nearer,
The smoke screens my Mother even though I can hear her,
So here I am standing at the edge of a cliff,
Eyes wandering, my brow sweating and body all stiff,
Ready to follow her voice before it’s too late,
To start my new journey with a last ditch leap of faith.

Conversation Pal

Ain’t it funny how life turns out,
Once filled with confidence but now its all doubt,
Once you were ok with me wearing a smile,
Now you are against it but not because its out of style,
Oh heart! so tell me what should I do to help you here,
When will you trust people again and let them near?,
What is there be to lost if we tried something or someone new?,
Haven’t we seen enough for you to analyze the data accrued.

Me to Me

Hey myself from a parallel universe,
If you receive this then rest assured that its true what they say about multiverse,
It’s me, your other you, checking up on you in case you’ve had the same luck as I’ve had,
If so, then let me tell you to go easy on yourself a tad,
The world is confusing and, sometimes, it’s people lie and they just leave,
But you will always have those who love you and, in whom, you can believe,
May be I am jumping to conclusions so, let me ask you this,
Do you, sometimes, feel empty and something is amiss?,
And Does it take longer to fall asleep than it takes a nightmare to wake you up?,
Is blank the only thing that your mind draws when somebody asks, “whats Up?”,
Tell me, oh friend, did you get to say goodbye to your Dad?
Or is he still part of every success, and failure, you’ve had?,
Do you lean towards you whenever you have to choose someone over you?
Or do you still agree to everyone even if, about them, you have no clue?,
Which reminds me, did “the girl” leave you or is she still in your life ?
Or did you have the sense to look her up first before you fell in love and began to see, in her, a wife?
I know stupidity doesn’t run in families but, does it run in parallel worlds?,
If it does, then, I welcome you to my fight club which bars no holds,
Do your senses work when you put your self out in the world?,
Or do you turn mute, deaf, blind and you, inwards, fold?
Do you always feel like you have million things to say but doubt lets only one or two find a way through your mouth?,
If all of this seems familiar then let me tell you that not all is pointed south,
Try finding joy in the small things that life keeps offering,
For what it’s worth, if you have marvel comics there, then isn’t there Avengers:Endgame release which will be soon happening?

Image Courtesy: https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=2ahUKEwiZi9DpqbXhAhXp64MKHauJCQo4kAMQMyhMMEx6BAgBEE0&url=https%3A%2F%2Fmedium.com%2Fstarts-with-a-bang%2Fyes-the-multiverse-is-real-but-it-wont-fix-physics-82beaed322b&psig=AOvVaw08PCs-q_AJ8zILF-8gcOPE&ust=1554428839785900&ictx=3&uact=3

To Dana,

The roads I took to meet you scare me today,
I was fueled by love then but all I hit now, on those roads, is dismay,
The music that had me swaying to its tune stunts me now,
The sound of it ruled me then but, now, the words sting me somehow.

All the visions I have, of you, are so palpable,
And it’s of you laughing at me like scammers at their victims,
The place I met you might have been questionable,
But, dear, know that my love for you never knew limits.

The hurt was real when I realized all you ever said were lies,
The pain stung me like when someone you know dies,
But, Oh wait!, it didn’t end for me there,
I lost my father and then it all got too hard to bear.

I will, somewhere in an unreachable place in my brain, lock you,
And will, with all the strength I have, forgive me,
But I will not stop loving you,
Even though you never cared for me.

Recommendation

She came in from a different team when we needed someone like her the most,
Our product needed refactoring and all of us were close to toast.
She not only brought up points which we had missed in our original approximation.
But by understanding time was of the essence and so was the quality of implementation,
She got down to work and delivered the changes in time,
Saving close to 200 hrs of re-work and far more than a dime.
She came to work early and left late,
Even though she had to deal with a new role, that of a mother, on her plate.
Weekdays or weekends didn’t matter to her,
Delivering a quality product on time is what she choose to prefer.
The customer was not only happy with the quick turn around of the re-worked product,
They were also impressed with how it, on the product’s performance, had a positive impact.
If you hadn’t already noticed, since I was in a poetic mood,
I hoped this would pass of as a poem close to good.
But, please don’t let it take away anything from the work she put in,
even if my quest for rhyming words got under your skin

My recommendation for a bonus to one of my colleagues at work.

Adieu


It’s not like she was the first women that I’ve loved,
But she is the last one I will ever do,
May be I am reaping for whatever I sowed,
But what have I done, about that, I have no clue,
May be I will be that creep that doesn’t talk,
Or the obese that doesn’t like to walk,
You see, my heart can take those looks and their secret murmuring,
But, Dad, this heart cannot take anymore rejections or conning,
I know you are sitting there somewhere in the heavens,
Willing me to search, again, for a girl who loves me, and gets rid my grievance,
But if you can see, right now, at the tears in my eyes,
That’s the pain my heart can’t speak, and it’s the place where the fear of love lies.
I am sorry that I am not brave like you’d wanted and I’d promised,
I am sorry that I was the reason for some of the joys that you missed,
But, I am broke and, so, it’s a joy that I won’t be able to give you,
So, please Rest In Peace while I come to terms with your adieu.

My Judgement Day

Oct 20th 2018 was the day when the life, in me, went from it’s highest peak of happiness, after about 4 years, to saddest day of my life ever. This day has forever left me scared to smile again or have fun doing anything.

It started out well. I was gradually getting over the girl I loved (this, if you haven’t noticed, is a common theme through out this blog). I wanted to start living my life again. I wanted to have some fun however the day went.

In eight years, that I have stayed in USA, I never took a train (metra) ride. Believe me, romantic fools like me exists. I was waiting for a partner, that I love, to do it with. Yes, I was waiting for a romantic partner to get on a train, you are allowed to chuckle at that. I ended up doing the trip with a friend since the love part wasn’t working out for me.

Then, after getting down at the Union Station in Downtown Chicago, a visit to Lou Mitchell’s

Then it was to the activity of the day, Axe throwing. This was at the Ragnarok Axe throwing at the Fine Arts building in the downtown. To say it was perfect is an understatement. My team won 2-1 in the 3 contests that we had between the 2 teams our group divided into.

“Parush” was my warrior name or something like that.

Then to top it all off, I won the individual competition between all the 10 people we had there.

The mark of a winner.

It would have been a great day if it had ended there. My jaws hurt from all the smiling I did that day. I don’t remember the last day I smiled, without faking it, before that day. Before it came to a halt, when I got a call from my brother about my father’s passing away, after I reached home.

Zombie

The cover is, again, coming off my rotting corpse,
The mask is coming off while my mind warps,
I can’t seem to be able to hide my pale face anymore,
Nor hide my heart’s sore,

I gave it a good try,
Went out into the world and stopped being shy,
Alas! Now I know that it is not hard to keep myself busy before I go to bed,
But, for me, it is hard to not, ever again, feel like living dead.

Image Courtesy: https://vibvir.artstation.com/projects/llKxo

Killmonger

He says no when I say yes,
When I don’t accept, he forces me to second guess,
He’s painted the worst of images imaginable,
He’s cracked toughest of the problems which were thought unsolvable,

He has pushed me to my limit many times,
Has saved me from my end some times,
Through all this life, he has been the worst enemy I’ve had to suffer,
Oh my brain!, stop being him is all I ask for.

Rove

Not afraid of the darkness, was I, until recently,
Never will I venture into it, I thought blatantly,
Underestimated life, oh!, so arrogantly,
Lectured people, in pain, to get over it, vehemently,

Till I ended up in the clutches of somebody’s false love,
And to the feeling of worthlessness I was, by it, drove,
Now I am searching for the life at which I once throve,
While stumbling in this darkness that I rove.

Death Wish

Death wouldn’t come at a sweeter time,
If it came now it wouldn’t be as bitter as lime,
I would have a smile for the sweet release,
For I don’t care anymore of my heart’s debris,
Although the arrow she shot through my heart is long forgotten,
The pulse in me is waiting to be flattened,
The thought of not getting to get lost in her eyes is hurting,
Her smile and my love for her are haunting.
If the grim reaper ever comes for any of your lives or souls,
Tell him I am ready to swap mine for yours.

Trodden Monster

I look at the people around me,
Some of them happy, some sad and, some, very angry,
I wish I could read what is going through their mind,
I wonder if life is treating them fine or being unkind,
It’s the eyes, I suppose, through which life is seen,
Which defines how one describes his/her life has been,
The monsters fake innocence while they blame the world for it’s cruelty,
The trodden lose their identity and question the world’s morality,
May be I was a monster once, if not in this life then in the one preceding this,
As now, I find myself trodden and staring down an abyss,
I look at the people around me,
And wish I could read what is going through their mind,
I wish I could set them, from the pain they hide, free,
While seeking, from them, some help in going through my life’s grind,
While I wade through this storm in my life,
With my sanity placed on the edge of a knife.

The Whisper


A day will come when I walk into the world smiling,
Where that smile is now, about that, I don’t have an inkling,
May be she is with her parents helping them with their chores,
May be she is with her brother fighting him for a tv remote behind closed doors,
Or may be she might be gossiping with her sister,
Or may be, with her friends, she is having some wine or liquor,
I hope there is a smile out their looking into the sky waiting for me to find her,
Walking her dog or just strolling through a park while this reaches to her as a whisper,
I hope I can hold you one day with all my love,
I hope one day you will find life, better with me, than the one you have right now.

Crossroads

I hope I could show you, as proof, to this world,
To prove love doesn’t exist and never love even if, otherwise, told,
How did you not realize that a person is left empty with a trampled heart,
That even a person, as strong as a rock, will fall apart,  
Let me shout through that locked doors, of the heart, of your’s,
That it’s hard to contain the flame of passion that soars,
Let me tell you that sometimes a person cannot forget,
That the only option, he has, is to invite his own death,
Let me ignore your reflection in all of my heart’s countless pieces,
And let me write till my heart’s longing, for you, ceases, 
Even if it means that I’ll have to write till my heart, from this pain, implodes,
That’s the choice I’ve made, as you dump me at this crossroads.